quarta-feira, 15 de fevereiro de 2012

Renewal

this is the new me rsrsrs...


I've got a bad headache, two days, it is not normal. 

I've got butterflies in my stomach, espontaneously... sometimes I feel like laughing without reason... it is not normal

I've dreamed of him, I fell down on a river, he took me from there, but his girlfriend was there although she was all the time turned in her back to me. Then, in the end of the dream, he was about to ask me something, but then I woke up...

I bought some things for me and I felt good... this is not normal as well. 

I'm not being normal lately, and that's the amazing part of the thing! I mean, my normal is passing away to be new, a new normal. It's a renewal in my life, finally. It's being hard because i'm not used to that... because all I had was sadness and conformation, procrastination, rejection. I'm dying for new things and I already feel the renewal in me, my skin, my heart, my thoughts, my way. And the complete transition, I dare to say, will be on the next costume party. I'll be there and I'm afraid he'll too, but I have to face it. 

Today my teenager students pissed me off again and I had to call their attention. But then I got a little ashamed because they kept too quiet and with that faces, showing no interest at all in what I was talking about. It was a grammar point, and I know grammar is not so interesting, but sometimes I feel like asking them "what are you all doing here??". I don't have this answer and if I dare to ask them, maybe they'll feel ashamed or angry, I don't know. Ah, I've just remembered something else I did: I gave some "bad" answers to them and I told them that they do it very often with me, so, I also know how to anwer that way. That's why they kept quiet for a long time, but then, they were discussing and talking again. I don't know what to do... Sometimes I play with them, I talk like them, but as I told them today, it's hard to talk while they are talking too. Or me or them, and I don't like to be the boring teacher. Sometimes they enter the class talking about some teachers of them at school, and I wonder what they talk about me :(

I have some two of them on facebook, and some other students... I also have to behave and take care on what I post there because they'll see and trust on me or not. If not, it's bad, too bad. I want them to have a friend on me, someone they admire and trust, someone really reliable to them, someone open to listen to them, in other words, the "perfect" teacher. :)

Another thing that is happening to me and is not good is that I'm not writing poems very often. I passed by a gloomy time in which i wrote very good poems, but now that I'm feeling better, I just don't write, that's why I believe I need some pain. Sounds morbid or crazy, but that's the truth. This is part of my mission on Earth, to write things to move people, but to achieve this goal, I need to suffer: to fall in love and don't be loved, to have physical pains, to have financial and health problems, to be stressed out. I'll try to write something now, but it doesn't have the same quality as what I write when I'm in trouble, in sorrow. Sounds crazy, I repeat and I know, but there's no other explanation, is there? That's what I call to be an artist. Being an artist is being a sufferer. You feel the negative feelings of humanity in your own life. It is like being JC, carrying a cross without any help, with all the human pains burning in your own body.

I've got a headache, as I told in the beginning... really need to sleep and thank Him for one more day. Bye. 

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