segunda-feira, 10 de setembro de 2012

What the future holds



There were days in which I forget things like the uniform, an onion to make a recipe…
And there were days in which I forget myself
I just would lay down on my bed, or an armchair
Listening to the birds or some old music
Then I would listen to someone calling me,
But I wouldn’t stand because I wouldn’t know
It was me…

Mother!
Grandma!
Mistress!
Lady!
Rebeca!

Then all of a sudden, I would wake up
Realizing it was me
My son, my daughter, my grandchildren
Even my husband…
Yes, I was still there, alive
But it was strange
It seemed to me those things never happened
Those people were not mine
And my life was a dream…

But then my hus would come and kiss my forehead
And then I would know I was me
And those days would get some color again
‘cause my love was there to tell me it was all truth
And I’ll never forget anything else


It's all about frustrated dreams... I see myself now as being alone in a certain point of the universe and nobody knows I even exist... I dream about singing, playing a piano, being a great teacher, publishing a book, being a good christian... loving deeply and being loved, the most frustrated one, oh Lord. 

This morning is a crazy one. yesterday I just couldn't relax to sleep better, my heart was jumping and I don't know why... then I wake up calm, just feeling good, but suddenly I have so many memories about things and people I shouldn't think about never more... life is short and strange. Sometimes I've got the impression I never loved anyone, I was just in love, a feeling that passes like a wind. But at the same time, I think if I had the chance, it must have become something real, concrete, deep, but nobody gave me the chance. Just nobody. It's so sad, but I'm making jokes with that, not taking so seriously, even bleeding inside. 

I'm tired to complain, need autonomy, freedom, independence, mainly emotional. It's a hard way and you decide for it when you have suffered a lot for love in life... and when you long for a real life, more daring, and a real love for yourself, self-steem which I almost don't have. Need to work on that. 

Then I chose God, the best part ever in life, and that's all that matters.