Moments

"Pois eu tinha inveja dos néscios, quando via a prosperidade dos ímpios"

Salmo 73:3

My decisions don't last long and my plans are always frustrated... I always get hurt when I do things that I shouldn't do... I don't know, I'm confused and again, I envy people and their financial and emotional situation. I don't have what I want, and my sadness is deep.

This sadness is like something deeply rooted inside me, it doesn't go away, even in my good moments, which have been rare lately. It seems like I'm always unsatisfied with life, with the things I have, with my accomplishments. I always want more, it is always missing something in my life, and I just don't know how to complete this emptness I have inside me, as says a song...*

My fear is that this something I look for simply do not exist. And if it doesn't exist in this world, I believe it's there on the other side of life, waiting for me, but I need to be good, really good. This is the problem. Lately, I've been thinking about vengeance and my actions and thoughts are not good at all. I wish this conflit could finish forever, but forever seems to be the time it will last.

I know I'm strong, otherwise I wouldn't have survived all the bad moments that I passed. They were not the worse moments in one's life, because it is very subjective, but they were very bad to me. I think it's time to go ahead and think about good things, God, solutions. 

Today my mother called me while I was at my future home. She told me she misses me, and asked why my "love life" is like that... I told her that if I had the answer, I'd solve half of my problems, which turn around this part of my life. Anyway, it was good to talk to her. And yesterday, I visited my aunt from RJ, she passed Carnival here at my uncle's house, her brother. It was good although a little embarrassing because of my uncle's family. I don't feel at ease there.

And while the night falls down upon us, I try to make up my mind. Tomorrow is the day thiings start again, one more chance. God is good, for his own sake. Amen, good night.

*the song is What happened to us? , by Hoobastank.

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