Can we reset life?
2023 has been the worst year of my entire life so far - that's what I just posted on facebook. And that's true, at least at this moment.
When I wrote that I thought I was losing my mind, it was just a way of saying, but it seems like she really meant it. Think she got mad when I wrote that and then became this mess. Gosh, I just feel like staying in bed and sleeping. I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to think, but my mind, she really wants to be my enemy. I'm always sleeping with two blankets, feeling a cold that comes from who knows where. In BH it's cold time, but here in Brazil, it's never THAT cold, thus, this cold I feel doesn't make sense. I am not making any sense on my own eyes.
I'm depressing, for sure.
And I don't want to get better, I want to stop every thing I'm doing. I want to reset life. Is that even possible?
I don't wantto die, I'm not ready. I just don't and never wanted to be me.
I don't love me.
There are some aspects of my personality and life that I like and am proud of, but they are very specific, secret and little. I don't want people to get to know me. That's enough, I've spent much energy on that in my life, and now I don't even wanna spend energy on me, but that's ok, I completely understand myself, however, what about the other aspects of life? work, carreer, the world outside, society, social media, family?
Sometimes I regret getting married and having such a perfect daughter, I don't deserve her. I couldn't be allowed to have a family, my marriage is not doing well, I am a coward, I'll never go away, even if things get worse. And they probably will.
I want to live life writing, that's all I really wanted, that's the dream of my life. That's why I want to stop every thing, to restart, but I feel without energy and old. So old!
I don't want to talk, I just wanna write. People don't get me. They say "I'll call you!" and deep inside, I answer "and I won't answer!" and I really do that! Then I give excuses or don't say anything. I am really cutting relations. I don't have friends and I don't feel bad for that.
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